I am proud to announce
this Saturday Howdy's ***
to sponsor the first annual 1K1to fight ABS.
Angry bowel syndrome.
Now, ABS. Is similar to irritable bowel syndrome,
except your bowels are in a blind rage.
And we're lucky to have Ricardo Montes
as our spokesman.
Together we can make a difference.
ABS may not be the number one bowel disorder in the world,
but it's rapidly pushing number two.
Is that true, Barney, or is it just a load of crap?
(Employees laugh)
Hey, hey, hey, no brown humor.
Poopy jokes are too easy.
Angry bowel syndrome can affect anybody.
Your father, your mother, even your boss.
That's right, your boss.
And it's because of behavior like this
that I suffered in silence for years.
Sadly, I was too embarrassed to make a stink about it.
(Laughter)
I'll walk the 1k.
And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.
Barney's up here courageously admitting
that he has a serious condition,
and you guys are acting like children.
Thank you, James.
At least there's someone here that knows
that ABS is nothing to joke about.
We need
to voice our support
because silence can be deadly.
(Snorts) The fight against ABS will get
the push it deserves to finally make a big splash.
Sufferers of this condition
are tired of hiding like turtles in their shells.
It's time for this turtle's head to poke out.
(Employees snickering) Barney, you're not doing yourself any favors.
Uh... Ricardo.
Could you please stop pinching that loaf?
(Employees laugh) Oh, come on. Seriously?
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ daddy-o, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ birth control, no, no, no ♪
♪ let it roll, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ oh... ♪
♪ whoo ♪
♪ here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh! ♪
Ooh, hot potato, hot potato.
What have the Japanese done to our potatoes?!
We're just playing a game, maw maw.
Whoever's holding that thing when it lights up loses.
Oh, my God, Jimmy, you totally missed it.
Later, in the stock room,
Frank asked Barney if there was
gonna be child care provided
at the 1k because
his cousin wanted to drop
her kids off at the pool.
Virginia: Look, I can see
how lots of diseases are easy to joke about.
But this isn't some disorder
that makes you walk or talk funny--
this is angry bowel syndrome.
It's not a laughing matter.
I hope you weren't making jokes, Jimmy.
Oh, I wasn't. I said I would be in his charity walk.
Good! And I hope you stood right up
and told everyone that you suffered from it.
You had ABS?
JABS-- juvenile angry bowel syndrome.
No, surprisingly, I didn't tell my coworkers and my fiancée
that I used to almost poop my pants.
Yeah. "Almost."
I'm fine now. It was a problem
when I was younger, and the school nurse
said it was stress-related.
Mostly because my parents
made me be the tiebreaker in their arguments.
Gas bill. Electric bill.
We can only afford to pay one. (Sighs)
Jimmy, you decide.
Electric bill. Gas bill.
Gas bill! Electric bill!
(Stomach gurgles) My tummy hurts.
Jelly! Glazed!
Jimmy, you decide what we're having for dinner.
Jelly. Glazed.
Jelly.
Glazed.
I think I got to poop.
Burt: Come on! We'll take a bus
down to L.A., grab a big-screen TV,
and we'll come right home.
The riots aren't real, Burt!
It's a TV show.
Remember when I changed the drapes
and you thought we quantum leaped?
Well, I say we go. Well, I say we don't.
Jimmy, what do you think?
(Stomach gurgles) Can't we all just get along?
If you two would just learn to make a decision,
I wouldn't still be known in some circles
as "poops-his-pants chance."
(Buzzing) Ha!
You lose!
No, I didn't.
If it's a tie,
the receiver loses.
No, no, no. We changed that rule
after the incident at the cheesecake warehouse.
Hander-offer loses.
Receiver! Hander-offer!
Jimmy, you call it.
Hander-offer. Receiver.
Hander-offer.
Receiver!
Hander-offer.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh, no, Yoshi's working tonight.
Who's Yoshi? He's one of the table chefs.
He's totally in love with Virginia.
Every time we come here, he gets all flirty,
and it usually catches me off guard.
Shrimp for the pretty lady?
Where?
Shrimp for the pretty lady?
(Growls) (Virginia laughs)
Ooh! Hot shrimp!
Hot, hot shrimp!
This time I'm gonna be ready.
Like a fat bridesmaid catching the bouquet.
Origami, Yoshi.
Long time, no see.
Ah, chance family.
So nice to serve friendly faces.
So nice to have our faces served.
Oh, God.
Wyatt just walked in with his family.
I haven't seen him since we broke up.
Damn it.
What are you doing?
Hiding.
Come on. We're all adults.
It'll be fine. Jimmy...
How awkward is it gonna be if they walk by
and they see me sitting at this table?
How awkward would it be if they sat at our table
and you were under it?
Look who's here.
Wyatt...
And your parents.
How long has it been?
'Cause it feels like it's just been forever.
No, just since February 13.
And if I remember correctly, Wyatt gave you
flowers and chocolate for Valentine's day.
Mother: And in exchange,
you crushed his heart into a million pieces
and leapt into bed with the first buffoon to come along.
In my day, they called women like that "whores."
But it never bothered me.
So, Wyatt, Wyatt's parents,
guess we were all in the mood
for Asian tonight, huh?
(Quietly): Was I supposed to say "oriental"?
Shh! I'm focusing on the shrimp.
That's a nice shirt you got there, Jimmy.
Is it new or secondhand?
Because I know how you like to get things
other people have already had.
Actually, it is secondhand.
Yeah, my mom picked it up at the thrift store.
So, is the neck hole all stretched out?
That can happen when the guy before you had
a much bigger head.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, God knows how many guys
wore this shirt before me.
(Quietly): Just so you know,
he's not talking about your shirt.
Oh, hey, for the record, this shirt fits me real well.
In fact, sometimes, I like to wear this shirt
two or three times a night.
And sometimes, the shirt likes it when
I pull its hair just a little bit.
Okay, that's enough talk about the shirt.
I don't know if you've ever tried on an older shirt,
but I'd be willing to have sex with you.
I didn't think it was possible.
You people have ruined hibachi garlic-mango salmon for me.
Well, it's best if you laid off
the garlic-mango anyway, sweetheart.
I have it once a year, and I sleep in the guest room.
You got nothing to complain about.
Yoshi's dancing the shrimp.
He's gonna flip it any second.
By the way, you still have some of my stuff.
I want my "Brazilliant Amazonian" hair gel back.
Why don't you just buy some more?
They discontinued it.
One stupid chimp dies of cancer,
and my hair has to look like crap.
I'll give you your precious hair gel back
when I get my ice cream maker back.
No way! You can get another ice cream maker,
I can't get any more brazilliance.
The lemon is in the hat.
Here comes the shrimp, folks.
Shrimp for the pretty lady?
You betcha.
(Snaps fingers)
So... we ordering dessert here
or are we going out for ice cream?
The whole thing is dumb to begin with--
tossing shrimp around in this economy.
Plus, he was looking at me the whole night
and then he tosses the shrimp at her?
What kind of man shrimp-teases a woman like that?
We're still on this, I see.
Because it's just rude!
And why her?
You don't think it's because she's younger, do you?
No. Besides, you look great for your age.
"For my age"?
Wait...
I'm at the "for my age" age?
That's just around the corner from "Good for you,
still staying active" age.
No, I mean... (Grunts)
What's wrong with you?
My back.
Must've been those chairs at the restaurant.
Oh, my God, and you're at the "making bad excuses
for your body falling apart" age.
(Sighs)
Are we getting old?
What? No.
(Back cracks)
(Groans, chuckles)
Damn.
I'm gonna get an ice pack.
But that doesn't mean I'm getting old.
It's just like every pro athlete in their prime does
after they play a game...
Or sit in an uncomfortable chair.
You think maybe we are getting old?
I'll show you who's getting old.
All right!
(Chuckling): Okay!
(Hearty chuckle)
Yeah!
(Groans, laughs)
Come on.
You come on.
My back's killing me.
I'm exhausted.
I'm not getting on top.
Well, I'm not getting on top.
Both: Jimmy!
Jimmy: I can hear you through the wall,
and I'm not settling it!
Both: We are old.
How did this happen to us?
First the shrimp, then your back.
I mean, other than the seven
out of the nine months I was pregnant,
we used to party every night.
Getting old isn't so bad.
You can say whatever the hell you want
and nobody pays any attention.
Maw maw, stop babbling.
We're trying to talk about something here.
We need to start acting younger.
I say we go get those shoes with the wheels in them.
(Grunts)
You're right. If those 40-year-olds on glee
can act like teenagers, then so can we.
(Both grunting)
Thank you for supporting this worthy cause.
Now, for every dollar donation to fight ABS,
you get the chance to try and catch
a pitch from Natesville's own Ricardo Montes.
And if you do, you win free groceries for an entire week.
All: Yeah!
So good luck, everyone.
Throw the heat.
I only know one speed.
Bullet.
(Grunts, crowd groaning)
Toma.
Psst! (Hissing)
Ugh. Well hello, Wyatt.
What are you doing here?
Just buying crappy hair products
that, whoop-de-do, didn't give a monkey cancer.
Well, you know, I did tell you
that can have your rain forest hair goop back
as soon as I get my ice cream maker.
That sounds like a fair deal to me.
Fair?
She gave me that ice cream maker
for my birthday.
Really? It was... It was a gift?
A gift that I gave to you while we were in a relationship,
which we are not anymore, so it is no longer a gift.
That is crazy.
You broke up with me.
Only 'cause I was sick of your face, Wyatt.
How is that my fault?
Listen, just give me
my ice cream maker back.
You are wearing my dead grandma's earrings.
Why don't you give those back?
When your dead grandmother asks
for them back, I will give them back.
I, however, am very much alive...
You guys ever hear of a relationship rule
where after you break up with someone,
you have to give them back everything they gave you,
even if it was a gift?
Even if it was a gift? Uh-huh.
No. That sounds like something some kooky chick made up.
(Orange squishes, man grunts)
That's why the only gifts I give my lovers
are the things that I do with my mouth,
so if they want to return such gifts
after we break up,
that's up to them.
(Orange smacks, man grunts)
I agree.
When my ex-wife and I split up,
I let her keep our vacation condo,
and she let me keep the mortgage on our vacation condo.
Marriage-- really great decision.
Hey, Jimmy...
I'll see you tomorrow. It's on.
What does he mean, "it's on"?
Ugh. I was fighting with Wyatt.
Things were said, names were called,
body part sizes were mocked.
Long story short, he's racing you in the 1k,
and when you win, I'm gonna get my ice cream maker back.
I have to compete in a walk-race
against Wyatt just for an ice cream maker?
An ice cream maker, my honor, your pride.
Whatever you need to motivate you
to man-up and beat his ass.
I love you... unless you lose.
Oh, great!
Now I have to compete in a race
for something I don't even believe in.
Ricardo: I am with you.
This ABS thing
sounds totally made up.
(Grunts)
(Smack, grunt)
Oh, what's all that?
Ah, your mom and I wanted to get new outfits,
so I went to the cool store at the fancy mall.
I think it's called apple-crappy and felch.
Ah, pretty sure it's not.
Hey, can I ask you a question? Sure.
Sabrina's been fighting with Wyatt,
but she's the one who's wrong, so how do I...?
Easy. You don't. Ever.
But she's really wrong. Listen,
when your mother and I were younger,
I used to point out when she was wrong all the time,
but then we would argue,
which would stress you out, you'd poop your pants,
and she'd be mad at me for weeks.
So now, as long as she's not arguing with me,
no matter how wrong she is, I just back her up.
I'm telling you, Mel Gibson is Jewish.
I saw something about it on TV.
His father's either a rabbi or a Nazi hunter, right, Burt?
That's right, honey.
I'm telling you, it's a giant.
No! I'm telling you,
the big green guy on the can of peas is the hulk,
and he gets angry when you don't buy his vegetables.
Right, Burt? That's right, honey.
Thank you.
I am telling you,
that cute, little black kid on the TV wrote a dictionary.
That's why he never acted again.
He didn't have to, right, Burt?
That's right, honey.
The basic fact is, you can either be happily married,
or you can be right, but you can't be both.
Dit-dit-dit!
Hey, you bought us clothes, too?
So did I. I went to that suburban outfitters place.
The gal told me these were totes cool, and I totes agreed.
So you and I are totes gonna wear 'em out to a club tonight
and totes have a totes unreal time.
How random is that?
You sound young as hell. Thanks, brah.
Burt, everybody's looking at their phones.
We should look at our phones, too.
Ricardo: Hey!
Burt, Virginia, look at you out past 9:00.
Good for you, staying active.
No, we're not staying active. We are active.
Why are you carrying that flat version of yourself around?
Oh, Barney lets me borrow him at night.
Uh, you see, I'm-I'm in a committed relationship,
but, uh, he... he can get all the tail he wants.
So, later in the night,
if there is a mix-up, no one is the wiser.
Hey, flat guy and his wingman, come on in.
Come with me. You can be our entourage.
I'm going to need to see some I.D.
What? Really?
I mean,
of course.
He wants to see some I.D.
Here you go.
Okay. Sorry, you just look a lot younger than you actually are.
Thank you.
And you are very good at your job.
I'm sure it's a lot harder
than it looks, standing in front of a door, holding a clipboard.
Probably need to see my I.D., too.
Uh, not with that much ear hair.
Look on the bright side, baby.
You got yourself a trophy wife.
(Club music blaring)
Aah! Oh, man!
(Shouting): Is it gonna be this loud the whole time?
And though that date was going well,
and I thought it would lead to another, and
maybe finally finding the love of my life,
unfortunately, somebody else was on that date.
And his initials were "ABS."
All right, Jimmy, all you got to do is
just go out there and just win back
what's rightfully mine.
Okay, I'll do my best
to win back the ice cream maker
that, though you gave it to Wyatt as a gift,
is still rightfully yours.
That's all I ask for.
(Indistinct chatter)
Yo! Yo!
What the hell is up with your hair? Nothing.
Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.
Well, you look like one of those birds
from that Juan Valdez oil spill.
Oh, please. It's such a double-standard.
How come you get to cheat to look younger?
(Scoffing)
I've seen your drawer in the bathroom.
It's one set of vampire fangs away
from being a special effects studio.
(Exhaling, inhaling)
And once I'd cleaned her tile floor,
and she loaned me a robe, I thought we had really bonded,
but she never returned my calls.
(Voice breaking): They never do.
(Sniffling)
And now, here to start our race,
our ABS spokesman, Ricardo Montes.
(Applause)
I will be honest,
I did not know what ABS was,
and I have now realized that it is the poopy disease,
uh, so I will not
risk startling you by firing the gun to start.
I'll just yell, "go!"
(Laughs)
Uh, but understand that when I say "Go,"
I, um... I don't mean...
Go, right?
You know, I'll just quietly
say, "walk."
Walk.
(Applause)
Why are you walking so fast?
I'm not walking that fast.
I'm just walking at the speed a young man walks at.
What up with that, yo?
(Sighs) This is not a competition.
Says the old woman who's losing.
I've been really nice up to now, Burt,
but you're being ridiculous.
I'm a year and eight months younger than you.
Lol.
Hashtag...
You couldn't keep up with me if you wanted to.
Hashtag, Virginia is awesome.
Reply all.
Why do you even care about this?
You know she's wrong.
I don't necessarily know that. You know it.
And you're still trying to beat me
so you can take my ice cream maker
when you already have everything.
Everything? Everything I have is secondhand.
I mean, do you know what it's like
to have another man's name sewn
into the waistband of your underpants?
It doesn't matter. That's nothing.
Sabrina was all I had, and you took her from me.
I'm never going to get married
'cause I lost the love of my life to you.
(Sighs)
Congratulations on having it all.
Are you crying?
No!
Jimmy: I kind of felt sorry for Wyatt.
It seemed like he really needed a win.
But still, I didn't want to disappoint Sabrina.
Faster! He's pulling ahead!
I mean, uh, Hope, winning and losing doesn't matter.
It's trying that counts.
Pick up the pace, Sally!
Walk, Wyatt! Walk!
Walk! Walk like the love of your parents depends on it!
Give it up, Virginia.
You look like you're chasing after a school bus
you overslept by 20 years. Oh, yeah?
Well, the way your hair dye is running down
the side of your head, you look like a old man candle.
Jimmy: And then, with my parents arguing,
I couldn't even concentrate.
Fine, but at least I look totes younger than you.
Would you stop saying totes, Burt?
You're not even saying it right.
I totally totes am. What do you think, Jimmy?
Who looks younger-- your mother, or me?
Yeah, Jimmy, who's younger?
Jimmy, catch up to him!
Well, who's younger?
Yeah, who's younger?
Jimmy: I didn't know what to do.
Choose my mother or my father?
Let Wyatt win? Make Sabrina happy?
In the end, I decided to go with my gut.
And at that moment, my gut decided it had to go.
(Cheering) No! No!
Sabrina: No! No!
(Sing-songy): Who wants homemade ice cream?
I do!
(Laughter)
Ooh!
Aah! Aah.
You okay?
Uh, I think I pulled something.
(Laughing)
(Sighs)
Here... let me help you.
No, you finish. You were right.
Maybe it's time for me to admit
that I'm not young anymore.
So?
(Both groan)
Maybe we're both getting old.
At least we'll grow old together.
Oh, that's sweet, baby.
Aah! Hair dye in my eyes!
Hair dye in my eyes!
I'll be your eyes, baby.
Bear left, bear left.
Jimmy: That's when mom and dad realized
you couldn't avoid growing old, but it was all right,
as long as they were going to do it together
and help each other over the finish line.
Turn around, Burt!
When you're in a relationship,
you have to find ways to support each other.
Even if it's in a way your partner might not expect.
(Sighs)
Mom also learned that no matter how young you are,
there is always somebody younger.
Shrimp for the pretty lady?
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com